Not many read my blog anymore and those who do I trust. I wanted to make sure I wrote about this experience so my kids remember.
There are so many emotions that come to the surface as you read the word miscarriage. Those who have had one know the strong feelings and emotions that go into the loss of a sweet baby and those who haven't imagine and sympathize about how hard it must be to experience a loss like that.
On September 17th I found out I was pregnant, I was SO excited Joe was on his way to the airport to go out of town and I texted him a picture of the pregnancy test, he called immediately, we had been trying for a while so we were both so excited (fun that we could be that excited about our 7th) We decided we wouldn't tell anyone, just for fun, keep it a secret between just us for a while, so glad we did. I went to my first appointment about 7 weeks after I found out, assuming from the date of my positive pregnancy test that I was 9 or so weeks along. They did an ultra sound and I could tell from the techs body language that she was worried. I questioned her and she asked when I had gotten a positive test, I told her and she told me the baby was small only measuring a few days past 6 weeks but that the heartbeat was good and strong. The doctor was amazing and sat down with me and told me to hope for the best and that often times the dates are just wrong and everything will be just fine he said there was also a possibility of a miscarriage. He asked me to come back in 2 weeks so they could check the baby's growth. Of course the next 2 weeks seemed like forever and I just wanted to know everything was ok, I put my faith in Heavenly Father knowing he is in charge. My 2 week appointment happened to be the Friday before we left for St. Louis for Kambree's surgery. I went in hoping to have great news so that as we left for St. Louis that the worry for my baby would be in the past. When they did the second ultrasound we found out there was no heartbeat anymore, our sweet baby had died. Of course I was blown over with emotion, I was by myself and I just cried. I had an OB appointment right after the ultra sound and talked with my doctor about the next step. He was amazing and so kind and caring and explained all the options to me. I of course wanted the baby to pass on it's own so I wanted to let my body do the work. I opted to wait instead of have D&C. I was nervous how things would work out in St. Louis but I knew things would work out as they were supposed to. We left for St. Louis on Sunday and the baby didn't come while we were gone. I came home and started getting nervous that the baby would not pass on its own, then on Wednesday I started spotting, it was so sad but also I felt relief in that I wouldn't have to have a D&C.
I wasn't sure what to expect as the baby passed so I asked my sister all about it, she has had 4 miscarriages herself (she has been such an angel helping me through this, thank goodness for sisters!) She said I would go through labor and deliver the remains of the baby just as I would a normal birth. Friday the bleeding got more intense but no labor. It was a sweet quiet day, I didn' have much going on that day which was nice I had time to think and ponder about things, at one special moment I got super emotional and broke out into tears, it was then I felt the sweet spirit of our baby. I felt a calm peace that all was well and that he/she was in heaven and that, that sweet baby was a part of our family for eternity. It was an emotional day but a sweet one as well. I felt like I finally had some closure.
Saturday morning the pain of the contractions woke me up at 3 a.m. I labored for 3 hours bleeding a alot more than I thought was normal but I kept hanging onto that... when the baby passed I would stop bleeding. The bleeding continually got worse and worse to a point where neither Joe or I were comfortable with the situation I wasn't in pain anymore the contractions had tapered off to about one every 10-15 minutes but the bleeding was getting worse and worse and it was scaring both joe and I. I waited till about noon and then called. They said to come in so we went to the ER in Boise. Joe gave me a blessing with a good friend of ours before we left and that was so comforting I knew things would be ok. When we got to ER The OB on call was the OB that delivered Kapri, he was really good so I knew I was in good hands. He did a D&C with no anesthetic, he basically scraped out all the rest of the fetal tissue and I immediately stopped bleeding. The pain was intense but I remember thinking how much I love my children and how hard it was at that moment and that I never wanted to do this again but that I would be willing to for a child because of the love I have for each one of my children. A mother's love is so strong, I realized that, that day, it is one of the closest things to Heaven and it's strength is unmatchable. I am so grateful for the women in my life I can draw strength from and who make heaven feel close.
Honestly this was such an emotional hard experience. Losing a baby is hard. Seeing that heart beat and then knowing it was gone was so difficult. After everything is over you feel like you've had a baby but there is no baby in your arms. Even though it has been so hard I have gathered and found so much strength from this experience and have come closer to my family and the Savior because of it. On Sunday after everything was over I was weak, tired, and emotional and I asked Joe why does it have to be so hard, why do I have to go through so many hard things (I try really hard not to think this way when I am going through trials but at that moment I was especially weak). I said is there something I am not learning, am I just not getting it? He looked at me and said do you think Emma and Joseph didn't learn or that they just weren't getting what the Lord was trying to teach them, he answered the question himself and said NO they were being Exalted and Deb so are you. You are getting it that's why he trusts you with these things and knows each one is shaping you into the women he wants you to become and he is exalting you. I have so far to come but I appreciated Joe's wisdom, he has so much faith in me, and loves me so much. I needed his strength and understanding to help get me through.
Among all I have so many blessings, 6 beautiful children and one amazing husband... these are my greatest treasures I am rich! I also have a wonderful extended family and incredible friends, I don't know what I would do with out them. I am so grateful among the hard times the blessings pour in over top of me and Heavenly Father never leaves me alone.
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